And again, i'm at this position of asking you for help. Why do i even bother. I'm talking to a bloody picture of you T.T But i guess it's better talking to an imaginary you... You won't hurt me... I need you now T.T I need somebody now. I don't wanna get scolded when i'm already depressed enough T.T I ask real human beings or help, all they do is scold me and doubt me T.T It's okay if you wanna talk to me and make me feel better but all they wanna do is nag me and stuff. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE. HELP ME KATY PERRY. HELP ME. Sadly, you're the only person who can save me from my misery now. Yet, you're also making me sad. Oh god i hate me. Fuck all these emotions. Fuck fuck fuck!!!!!!! 

It's so tiring to love someone... I... want to stop... I wish i can stop... PLEASE. WHY ISNT ANYTHING I SAY GETTING INTO YOUR HEAD. I understand that you need to spend time with me. I'm just expressing my sadness. I'M SAD BECAUSE YOU'RE GONE. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH BEING SAD ABOUT THAT? I'M NOT LIKE, NOT ALLOWING YOU TO GO. I ALLOW YOU TO. BUT I AM SAD. BUT I AM OKAY WITH IT. JUST LET ME BE SAD. DON'T SCOLD ME T.T JUST PLEASE... stop scolding me.... I feel like i've lost you. I feel like you've lost your love for me. You keep saying no but you're not showing it T.T You're not T.T 

"The first couple of months or even years it may be the best thing you ever wished for, but eventually someone loses feelings, gets to busy, or doesn't even bother to try. You know why? Because they're comfortable. The beginning is all about the chase. Can you keep up? If you can then you'll get the hang of it and then you won’t want to try anymore. You aren't afraid to lose them because they're yours."

I'm still afraid of losing you. I'm still trying. You aren't anymore. You always ask me not to think so much but maybe you're just thinking too less... It's okay to be comfortable but... at times... just try. Please. JUST FUCKING TRY T.T I'm so tired of crying of crying over you T.T

Why do all the shitty people get the good things? What did they do to fucking deserve it? Ah whatever la. Life's unfair. God doesn't exist. Even if whichever god does, they are doing a horrible job. Punish me for saying this la. Whatever man. Don't believe in anything anymore.

I don't get much from heroes

I don't give them much thought

I crumble under pressure

made of steel I’m not

I don't like my reflection

I don't like what I see

I'm scared of my shadow

it cast this doubt on me

But am I still the one?

Am I still the one?

I was standing in your shadow just to understand your pain

But when I needed you the most you looked the other way

I wanted you to comfort me the moment we begun

I loved you through your nothingness 

am I still the one?

You’re coming through the windows,

you’re crawling through the floor

You sent the spies to find me,

now they’re kicking down my door

Am I still the one?

I was standing in your shadow just to understand your pain

But when I needed you the most you looked the other way

There’s nothing left but emptiness it’s all been said and done

I know you want me to believe that I’m still the one

So long to the angels

You got me on the run

Tell me that you’ll never leave me again

now you're sorry

Being alone makes me realise how easy it is to kill myself. It really is.

You'll always be beautiful to me <3

Wipe Your Eyes

No comfort, no tissues, no hug and not even a word. Just me and myself, crying. And just so appropriately, a new Maroon 5 song leaked today and it's called wipe your eyes. Here are the lyrics... I'll just imagine Adam's singing this to me... As a comfort...

I'm afraid that I gotta do but I gotta do

But if I let you go, where you gonna go?

We gotta make it change, time to turn the page

Something isn't right, I don't wanna fight you

We've been through couple times, you know it gets worse

We can't I need surround please let me be first

And as I feel your tears spilling on my shirt

Something isn't right I don't wanna fight you

Hey you, come on over and let me embrace you

I know that i'm causing you but pain too

But remember if you need to cry

I'm here to wipe your eyes

Tonight before you fall sleep

I run my thumb across your cheek

Cry, 'cause i'm here to wipe your eyes

I know I made you feel this pain

You gotta breathe, we'll be okay

Cry, 'cause i'm here to wipe your eyes

Oh nah nah oh nah nah nah nah

'cause i'm here to wipe your eyes

Oh nah nah oh nah nah nah nah

When did we cross the line

How could we could forget

Why do we let the pressure get into our heads

Your broken heart requires all of my attention

'cause something isn't right, I don't wanna fight you

Hey you, come on over and let me embrace you

I know that i'm causing you but pain too

But remember if you need to cry

I'm here to wipe your eyes

Crushed

Yet again, this leg has ruined my life. I made a very... devastating discovery today... Before that, you should know that one of my lifetime dream is to drive a mini cooper/mini coupe. Or both la. But... The thing is... I can't believe i just realise this but i can't drive. Not that i don't know but i can't. Because of my leg. You need your damn leg to press the brake and accelerate right? Well, my right leg can't press down. It can't do shit. Thus, i can't drive. Don't tell me i can because i know how my leg is. I know it's condition. I know it can't be cured. It's my leg. I can't even press the fucking accelerate and you expect me to drive?! Thanks alot... I felt... really sad after i realised this but... i don't know... I just felt really alone at that point of time... I almost cried. Like seriously. My dreams have been ruined before i even got started on working towards it... Goodbye red hot Mini Cooper...

Goodbye Mini Coupe...

In another life, maybe i'll be okay and then i'll drive you.... 

As arrogant as i will sound, i have to say this. Whenever i see people posting about whatever their boyfriends/girlfriends or whatever do things for them, in my mind i'm like CHEH, LIKE THAT ONLY, MY BABY ONE IS BETTER. Sorry!! My inner voice just screams that out hahahaha. Actually by the "people" i mean one specific person XP HELLO, STOP BROADCASTING EVERY SINGLE THING ON FACEBOOK!!!!! Acting like it's such a big deal. If i post everything that my baby has done for me, you can step aside BIATCH! You're nothing. My baby is the best!! 

The thought of losing someone is... scary... and sad. Just thinking about it makes me cry. Urgh fuck why am i such a cry baby. Someone needs to slap some sense into me. I can't help but feel insecure. After so much things, is it really me? My fault? But why is it always me who has to admit a mistake. Why is it always me who has to make things better? Why me? Why can't someone else do the same for me? Or maybe they did but i can't see it. I don't even fucking know. It's just really tiring having to deal with these things...

I don't think i'm kinda or whatever because i do those things because i think they SHOULD be done. I don't have any live examples now but sometimes people are like woah you so kind but in my mind i'm thinking, isn't this what a normal person would do? It's humanity... I guess... And i'm super sensitive towards other people's feelings. As in when they're sad, i know. But sometimes i just say things without realising. I'm sorry about that. I really am. But when i can't cheer someone up, i blame myself. I blame myself for not being good enough :/ 

Honestly speaking, i watch those videos of why people shouldn't suicide and stuff. In my mind i'm just disagreeing with them all the way. They say things will get better and suicide won't solve anything. Well, i think it does. At least it ends everything once and for all. You don't have to wait around. Even if things do get better, how much better can they get? Just a bare minimum? Or even if they get awesome, what goes up must come down right? Then we'll be in that familiar spot again. Feeling shitty like before. Everything good that happened was just... a... i don't know...? It doesn't last. It just doesn't. I want it to last. Who doesn't right? I may still be in a honeymoon mood but what if the other party has moved on to reality? And eventually move out of your life? What about me? Sure, i'm happy that they're happy. But not really. 

I had this moment when i was sleeping but i woke up yet i feel like i'm still dreaming and i tried very hard to go back to sleep because i was having this dream which i cannot remember what it was already. Then my eyes just felt really heavy like something was forcing them to close? I just couldn't push them open. My eyes were barely opened and everything i see was a blur. I could feel drool coming out of my mouth and i tried to close my mouth but i can't. It was just stuck there, hanging open. I couldn't even move? I was just stuck there trying to sleep and wake up at the same time. I woke up afterwards feeling super confused. What the fuck just happened?

And i've been sleeping alot lately? Usually i can survive throughout the day but now i just keep falling asleep at random places -.- I even fell asleep in class like twice? Or was it once? I was feeling super awake but i just suddenly dozed off... Tskk fuck. Not forgetting the stupid automatic behaviour shizz? I do things that i don't even remember laksjdlkajsdlkajsdlkj If i do normal things can but i scolded baby on like almost all occasions x.x Blearh

):

I miss you... ): How?

I want this feeling to last foreverrrr

I'm very extremely happy right now!! And the song i'm listening to kinda like makes me happy like suits the mood i don't know how to say but i just feel shit ass happy right now. HOHO!! Somemore it's a LADY GAGA song WTF! HAHA WHATEVER. I HAPPY CAN ALREADY~ EH EH~ SO HAPPY I COULD DIE~ Up in the clouds, we'll be higher than ever~~ 

i'll keep trying

I'm sorry. I know i've been horrible the past few days or week or whatever. My mood swings are like super fucked up. I get angry and annoyed very easily. Please know that i don't mean any of it... I never meant for it to bother anyone because it has never bothered anyone. I just needed to express my emotions and be done with it. Nobody ever cared about it and i didn't expect anyone to be bothered by it... I'm sorry. I know i'm lazy and i don't really care about things. I take life too... lightly? I don't take things seriously even though they are. It's how i've been living for the past 16 years and it has been working fine (i guess). But whether you believe it or not, i'll change okay? I'm trying. It's a habit. I know i make promises that i can't keep but please believeee. If even you don't believe in me, i don't think anyone ever will anymore. I didn't have a reason to change in the past but now i do! And the reason is you. So please, don't give up on me. I'm sorry for all the emotional pain i've caused you. Maybe not pain but like, i don't know la. Whatever you call it. I'm sorry that this sunshiney weather keeps raining nowadays. I'm feeling a little off kilter i don't know why but please just now that it's not you, it's me. It has always been me. You on the other hand is awesome and the best. Please don't ever blame yourself. I know you care but please try not to care so much about me because i don't deserve it. I'm sorry that i have no self worth. Whenever you compliment me or something, i'll disagree and stuff and i might even like, point out all my own flaws and basically just shoot myself. I'll try to work something out. Don't know what but i'll try and boost my self esteem :/ I'm sorry i sometimes say things without thinking. Please know that i don't mean it... I know i've said this alot of times but i really can't help it... It just slips out but i really mean no harm :/ I would never want to and i can never bear to hurt you. Everytime i do something wrong, i feel like stabbing myself in the face with a knife. I'm sorry that i'm not good enoughhhhh. I really am. I'm sorry that i'm like that.

Please don't ever think less of yourself or anything. Please please please know and remember that you are really the best. The most awesome girlfriend anyone can ever have and i'm so lucky to have you. Throughout my life, i always feel so... screwed? I dreaded everything but you came along and changed everything. Because of you, i started singing in the shower. Believe it or not, i love singing but i never really felt like singing in the shower. Sometimes i'm even crying but now i'm singing loud and proud. I find myself smiling for no apparent reason. I walk with a skip in my step! Even though you can't see because i can't skip, i feel like i am. HAHA. You send my soul sky high~ Nobody loves me like you do. I never loved anyone as much as you. I never knew i could ever feel this way. 

it's been awhile but here is a song dedication for katy perry...

I know it's time I need to move on

Everyone is sayin' I need to control

The way I'm acting

The things that I'm doing ain't good for me

'Cause I know this time I'm really trippin'

I know that it's deeper than what I'm feelin'

And I realize she's bad for my health

But it's too good just to walk away

She's got me in a daze 

She's got me in a trance

She's got me so thrown tonight 

No, I need to recover

I keep falling back in love

And I know that this girl

She's not the one for me

And I know I'm only makin' it worse

When I let her go then I come on back every time I leave

Every time I leave, every time I leave I keep comin' back

Every time I leave, every time I leave every time I leave

I keep comin' back every time I leave

When I feel like she's out of that system of hers

Something pulls me in then I return to let her use me

I care not how she do me as long as she's around

In my mind I see that I'm slippin'

But I still can't seem to see the difference

My heart is sayin' yes to go

Body's sayin' no to it

I need to get a grip on this

nomnomnom

HI YOU CUTE ASS PIGGY!!!!!!! 

I am currently hungry. Anyways, PLEASE DON'T KILL ME FOR UPLOADING THIS PICTURE HEHEHE. Hmmm. What to say. Right now i just really miss you. It feels weird not having you by my side. I hate saying goodbye to you T.T Heart painnnnnn. Stop being so overly nice to me. As in, like nice can la but don't buy so much things for me!! Seriouslyyyy. NO.

I like how you think too much about some things too. Hahaha! FINALLY. Someone else who share the same kind of thoughts and stuff. Interesting interesting. Horoscopes are very true yesyes. I just don't like it when you mention about us breaking up! I know this kind of thing is possible but don't think about it!! YOU MUST BELIEVE THAT IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN. If even you don't believe it, it's not gonna work out. You know you know? Heh. I also don't know how to say leh. Hmmm. Nevermind. WEE

Okay ah, my brain dead and you sleepy already. GO SLEEP. I love you piggy MUAHH

i have a tummyache now

2nd month and counting!!

I am currently listening to lovey lovey songs and smiling to myself like an idiot~ All these lyrics sounded so dumb to me in the past like PSSH what the hell like WHO WOULD EVER DO THAT! Like, WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU FEEL THIS WAY?! But now i totally completely understand. Love is such a strange and awesome thinggg~ I miss you so much... I love how you look at those small little things i do like just now how you described me when i sleep and stuff. Woahhh. I don't know what else to say :/ You're the best thing that has ever happened to me~ Now till forever, stay my baby! I'm so sorry about my moodswing today!! I blame my "auntie" for "knocking on my door" HAHA. But i don't mean it okay :/ I'm sorry!! I'll try to control it next time. Hehehehehehe.

Oh and thank you so much for the headphones!! You used up like most of your allowance for it x.x Silly gurl. Don't ever do that again! Your hunger is more important ok!!!

Heart on my sleeve

It's 4:12am, i'm all alone and i need you now~~ I suddenly miss you alotalotalotalot. And i realise all i blog about is you now heh. You're my everehthangggggg. In the past whenever people ask me like "How are you?" I'll just answer with a normal "Fine" but now i'm like "I'M VERY FINE!!" and i totally am~ And the reason is youuuUuuuUuuuUuuUuuUu. You're the cause of my happiness~ My heart beats so fast that i can't even keep up with it~ I'm sorry i can't write long chunks of words like you do :/ I have a seriously short attention span!! Butbutbut you know. Words can't express the way i feel for you even though it kinda just did~

It pains me so much to see you sick :/ I would rather be the one being in pain! As long as you can be cured, i don't mind suffering 10 times worst than it! IRON MAN CAN TAKE THIS YAW. Seriously get well soon baby ): I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

Here's my hello, don't say goodbye


In other news, i still don't get why Blake Lewis isn't like super duper successful! So underrated! My blakey. I still like him! His first album is still awesome!! At least to me. Listening to it on replay now :3 Maybe because i'm in love so love songs forever sounds so nice ~.~ It's like a bullet and it's killing killing me~ 

One of our first picture together! Hahahaha! 

HEYLO THERE. My 3 weeks holiday is coming to an end... I will definitely miss this!! 3 weeks of nothing but my babygirl~ Spend so much time just sleeping next to you and i can honestly say it's like, one of the best times of my life. LOL. I'm never gonna leave thisssss bed~

Sorry for being such a sore loser when i play games HAHAHA. Just know that i don't mean any of the things i say okay!!! Just a moment of pekcek-ness. Nerf war is fun! I'm such an ass for spraining my leg -.- Buzzkill! When my leg fully recovers, I'M COMING TO GET YA. And this time, i'mma bring out ALL my guns! HAHA! I reserve my Maverick and Barricade first ah!! Heh

I love our conversations~ Like sometimes we don't even need to talk and we can laugh our fucking ass off. Or sometimes we talk about really stupid things. I don't think you considered that talking. Like just now when you were high on your cough medicine. HAHA SO RIDICULOUS!! Funfunfun. 

Ohmahgawd, monday's gonna be our 2nd monthsary yaw. Thank you for giving me the best 2 months evaaaarrrr. I sound like some dying patient. Thank you for giving me the best last 2 months of my lifeeeee -closes eyes forever- CHOI TOUCHWOOD. YESYES. I want to be with you forever! Till eternity~ Not even death will do us part~ Not even zombies! 

I like seeing you hug my bearbear! It's like you know, i don't know. Like like 2 things that are so close to me are close to each other. FUCK THIS SOUNDS SO CHEESY AND I DUNNO. But yesyes! And now my bearbear smells abit like you~ I like i like. The smell's fading tho D: Hoho. HARP SEALS FOR THE WIN SANNN!!