The thought of losing someone is... scary... and sad. Just thinking about it makes me cry. Urgh fuck why am i such a cry baby. Someone needs to slap some sense into me. I can't help but feel insecure. After so much things, is it really me? My fault? But why is it always me who has to admit a mistake. Why is it always me who has to make things better? Why me? Why can't someone else do the same for me? Or maybe they did but i can't see it. I don't even fucking know. It's just really tiring having to deal with these things...
I don't think i'm kinda or whatever because i do those things because i think they SHOULD be done. I don't have any live examples now but sometimes people are like woah you so kind but in my mind i'm thinking, isn't this what a normal person would do? It's humanity... I guess... And i'm super sensitive towards other people's feelings. As in when they're sad, i know. But sometimes i just say things without realising. I'm sorry about that. I really am. But when i can't cheer someone up, i blame myself. I blame myself for not being good enough :/
Honestly speaking, i watch those videos of why people shouldn't suicide and stuff. In my mind i'm just disagreeing with them all the way. They say things will get better and suicide won't solve anything. Well, i think it does. At least it ends everything once and for all. You don't have to wait around. Even if things do get better, how much better can they get? Just a bare minimum? Or even if they get awesome, what goes up must come down right? Then we'll be in that familiar spot again. Feeling shitty like before. Everything good that happened was just... a... i don't know...? It doesn't last. It just doesn't. I want it to last. Who doesn't right? I may still be in a honeymoon mood but what if the other party has moved on to reality? And eventually move out of your life? What about me? Sure, i'm happy that they're happy. But not really.
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