to not be afraid is freedom to lose all hope is freedom. i look forward to the day i lose both.

i can't remember the last time i was happy for an extended period of time. okay that's a lie. i do. but it's been awhile. and turns out that happiness was based on an illusion. so does it even count?

remember whenever

this is random af when was the last time i even blogged. is blogging even a thing anymore? or do people just blog and call it an article nowadays? strange times we live in. but i've just been spamming alot on twitter and i figured i should spare the poor souls of the people who follow me. so here i am. while i wait for fucking fallout 4 to ever finish downloading.

you know how whenever you think of someone you'd think of certain images. certain moments. certain things they were doing. how you felt. how they were. how they're not anymore. how you don't feel anymore.

disclaimer: i'm not in love with any of the people i'm about to mention anymore but... i guess i just wanna reminisce. i miss the feeling, the memories not the people involved. i just need to get it off my mind. different paragraphs for different people. no names shall be named.

i remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night i'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're about to cry. taylor get off my post okay for real this time.

i remember our first kiss. that shy little peck you gave me when you walked by. how i just stood there and blushed and giggled like an idiot.
i remember how you put on teenage dream, told me to shhhh and close my eyes.
i remember all the secret kisses in lifts when there's no one around.
i remember how we'd skip classes because we didn't wanna get out of bed. also that one time when we were suppose to volunteer for the salvation army but ended up sleeping in because it was raining. fuck the salvation army anyways amirite.
i remember how you'd hold on my hand in class under your jacket.
i remember that one time we took a long bus trip and you fell asleep on my shoulder. my shoulder was aching because of your awkward head placement but i dare not move. i dare not wake you for you were sleeping so peacefully. i endured. i stayed.
i remember how you'd lie on my chest to listen to my heartbeat and how fast it'd beat whenever you're around. i guess i just never got used to having you.
and i guess i never did.
i remember how you always made me feel like i was never good enough.

i remember how hard you laughed when i tried to dance ballet while pushing a trolley and the pole on it smacked me hard across the head.
i remember how you always smell like ointment and cigarettes. which was strangely pleasing.
i remember sitting back to back with you on that cart while you smoke and it was raining.
i remember when we sat at that dark place outside ikea and how much i wish you would kiss me..
i remember when you laid your head on my shoulder while we were sitting behind the counter. i would've laid my head down on your head but there were customers. and i was shy. oh so shy.
which i guess was what ruined it all because i was always always so anxious around you. couldnt keep my head straight. afraid of saying all the wrong things. so i end up saying nothing.

i remember how scared i was when i first heard you were gonna sit next to me.
i remember falling head over heels for you the moment you spoke to me. i thought it was all platonic feelings but i was so confused. so so confused. i just knew that i wanted to be around you.
i remember that you're the first girl i ever fell for.
i remember you wearing my hoodie and how i'd not let it touch anything else in fear of losing your smell. creepy, i know.
i remember you calling me your santa because i'm always buying you shit. like that one time you casually mentioned on your blog how you'd like a diary and i immediately ran out of the house, bought it and delivered it to you. how did no one suspect that i was gay? was that really considered a friendship gesture?
i remember how i'd stayed back in school to do fuck all just to be around you.
i remember how i'd skipped my extra classes and stay in the library during free period with you. lim kim kim wasn't pleased.

OOO FALLOUT 4 IS DONE DOWNLOADING BRB

its weird because times like this everything feels fine
like i don't feel the sadness that much anymore
but i would still shoot myself in the face if a gun was presented to me
i wouldn't make an effort to kill myself
but i would if there was an easy way out
i spent all afternoon fighting these demons
and now they're all suddenly so quiet
but i know they'll be back
but right now i feel kinda invincible
maybe its the alcohol
maybe it's i don't know
i don't understand whats happening
all i am certain of is that this won't last
they will be back
i know they're still there
and there's nothing i can do about it

20.10.2013

guys

guys

guuyyyyyyyysss

A part of me still can't believe that this actually happened. The more i look at it, the more.... not real it becomes. Is this real life? Is this just fantasy? It's so surreal. My brain cannot process this. Everybody else probably thinks that i'm overreacting but i have no idea why i'm feeling like this also. HELP ME BABY. I never thought this would happen and it's all i ever wanted but now that it has happen... I DON'T KNOW?! 

For the first time in a long time, i feel... human. I finally feel like i exist. Thank you for acknowledging my existence. It's all i ever wanted. Everything i do now seems more... I don't know... You make everything so much better. It's so nice knowing that you know that i exist. I can't emphasize enough on that. It's just something very small to you and you probably won't remember me but oh man. OH MAAAAN. I feel like i've had a connection with you. Something we never had. You've always felt so far away. Sometimes its like you're not even real. Not even human. Now everytime i listen to you sing, watch you perform and whatnot, i feel... something more.

You opened that door. I waited 4+ years. Out there in the pouring rain. You opened that door. You didn't let me in but that was enough. Just that one glance at you. It was all i needed. To be honest i'm greedy as fuck. Now i want more. I want you to let me in. I know it's never gonna happen but its human nature la. I got a taste of what it's like and now i want more more more more more.

I love this power you have over me. Just your name is enough to make me giggle like an idiot. I have no idea why. Whenever somebody else mentions you... I can't help but to smile. After all this time? Always. Forever and always. You can ask me to do anything and i'd do it. I'd do anything and everything for you. This love has taken it's toll on meeeeeeeee. I'm an idiot i know.

Well i guess moral of this story is... DON'T GIVE UP? I don't know?! BELIEVE, GUYS. SHIT WILL HAPPEN. GOOD SHIT SOMETIMES.

does anybody actually... stumble across here? i mean it shows that i get page views but its... strange... if there's anybody here, HOLLA AT ME. i know i don't post much anymore but hmm... i'll get back soon xx

Motivation

It sucks to know that you will never ever notice me. It's my fault for not trying hard enough but I don't know what to do. I'm not funny or creative enough to create something to get your attention. I can't draw, I can't sing and I can't write. Jealousy is eating me up right now. All those other katycats that've got your attention... I'm happy for them, really. They deserved it. But there's just this sense of... Just... URGH. I wish that was me.

So what can a girl with no talent do? Work. That's exactly what I'm going to do. Get a degree in communications, work for the media. Maybe one day i will get to interview or just meet you when you come to Singapore. I am going to work hard for you. If only I had this motivation earlier. I suppose it's never too late to start now. I will persevere to the end. Even when I'm 70 and you're 80. If there's a will, there's a way. Wait for me, Katy Perry. I love you and thank you for being you. You make me a better person.

     

Lifescouts #2: Rollercoaster

Oh man i really miss the Transformers 4D ride at USS. IT WAS SO GOOD. The first time ever that i'm not scared of a rollercoaster... Well, it wasn't really a rollercoaster i suppose? Just a 4D effect. BUT IT WAS SO DOPEEEEEE. ANYWAYS

My first rollercoaster experience was at a night market. A tiny tiny ride. Didn't go very high up but i remember it being really fast with really tight turns. The cart or whatever you call the thingy you sit in was a dragon!! My brother brainwashed me to get on :( HE PROMISED ME IT WASN'T SCARY. I regret everything. I was scared to the point where i couldn't move or say anything? Like somebody performed the petrificus totalus spell on me T.T My brother sat infront of me and i remember him TURNING AROUND AND LAUGHING. WHAT IN THE WORLD. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE. And my mum was beside me screaming. The moment we got off my legs just turned jelly.

Until now i've never gotten over my fear :( Before i even get on any of the rides, my mind just goes wild and think of all the heights. The moment before the plunge. THE WAY DOWN. OH GOD. I can feel my stomach coming out from my mouth. Thinking of how i would just faint and just fall off the ride and die. Or maybe have a heart attack or maybe even scream till my throat tears aksldjakldja. Really wanna get over this fear tho... SOME DAY I WILL! But today is not the day!!!

Lifescouts #1: Pet Owning

I've had hamsters for as long as i can remember. Bought my first one at some shabby old shop around my house. I cannot remember what breed they were? All i remember is that their "butts" were very prominent at the back. Sticking right out! We used hold them up by that and laugh. A little sadistic i know. I was young kkkkk. Until now then i realise, those weren't actually their butts -.-" ITS THEIR GOD DAMN BALLLLSS. THEY'RE MALE HAMSTERSSSS. We violated them oh god. *Washes hand profusely* 

Every time a hamster die, i swear i wouldn't get another but somehow, they just kept coming. Some from my brother and there was one that belonged to him and his ex-girlfriend *shakes head* Youngsters. There was one that wandered into my house door? Like i was just standing there and my neighbour started pointing to something at my feet and BOOM. A HAMSTER. It walked right into my house door!??! I had to keep it. I still remember him. My sleepyhead.

Fast forward to today. My King Kong just died awhile ago :( I still miss her T.T My silly little goose T.T My cow T.T Given to me by a friend who is also gone. MOVING ON BECAUSE THIS IS MAKING ME VERY SAD ASLDKJALJD It was beauty who killed the beast :(

I can go into details about a few more other hammies i've had but it'd be too long. There's still my fattypooooooooo. And his wife. And his generation of kids. His great grandchild or something is still alive. The last in his legacy!!!! and it'll end right here. 

a dolla makes me holla!!!

WHAT IS UPPPPP. Damn the last time i posted was in February!? I still can't spell February. Gotta use spellcheck -.-" Pfffft. I have alot to say... When i'm laying on my bed at 4 in the morning. Ideas are running through my head but when i'm actually infront of a computer, my mind goes blank. 

I just read back a few of my previous posts and it's... so... cringe worthy... Oh my god i was such an idiot. Next year when i'm looking back, i'll probably think that i'm an idiot too. I'LL ALWAYS BE AN IDIOT TO MYSELF WKJASLDJASJD 

I have no idea why i'm even posting this i guess i just felt like typing. Is anybody still even reading this? :p Doesn't matter. Life has been a little weird... I've graduated. I gotta go find a job :( My dad's gonna stop giving me my allowance once i get a stable one... CHANGE IS COMING. I'M NOT READY. The only reason i wanted to grow up was for the money. I used to think that adults will just always have money in their wallet :/ Didn't know where they came from but it'll always be there. Oh how wrong you were, young Jasmin. Oh wait actually i came here to edit my wishlist... Yesss yesss...

Alright maybe i'll come back to this blogging thing soon. I'll try to write something proper soonz. Not like it matters but it stimulates my own braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnn. All my favourite TV shows have  ended T.T They're coming back for a new season uh... But i gotta wait T.T THIS IS RIDICULOUS. My iron man headphone is dying... It's working fine but the cushion thingy's skin thingy is peeling off. Yeah i'm super great at words and stuff.

LASTLY! Tomorrow!! What is tomorrow? Some lion's birthday i think. I won't write much about it here. WILL WRITE IT SOMEWHERE ELSE. I will leave ya'll with this.

Dalai Lama leh. No joke. Love you <3 

random

 I was realllly bored i think

 LOOKIE! Xmas present from MINI! Just got it recently. Somebody's still stuck in the past :P I like i like. Way better than the previous green and yellow one. WORST COLOR COMBINATION EVER. 

 I just realize his knee area that meat there kinda looks like a butt omg. complete with legs. If i crop that out and adjust it it'll look like someone who is bending over's butt omg i shall get to that later. NOW HE EVERYDAY SHOW OFF HIS MUSCLES ONLY. ANNNOYYYYING. One day all the muscles are gonna form into one. JUST LIKE DAD'S. BUAHAHAHA

 Mum said "我要去太空了!"

 I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S FINALLY IN MY HAND ASLKDJALKJSD Gonna go get AC2 TOMORROW. WOOOSH. 

Limited Edition AC3 mousepad that is NOT FOR SALE given to me by someone alksjdlakjdlkajsdlkj. All i can is my week has been pretty damn fineeeeeee. Learnt 4 guitar chords!! That's what it's called right? LOL. I AM TRYING!! Considering a ukulele again since it's much smaller :P Won't strain so much on my poor short little fingers. I ain't Lord Baelish!!! Sometimes i wish somebody would get all the references i make T.T 

There's really no reason for me to be blogging right now. I'm just trying to find things to do other than my graduation project :( I'm up to 3 pages now! The cover page, acknowledgement and content page. GG!!! It's due soon!! Which means i'mma be free soon! WOOOSH. I got a B for my PGD! *sobs* I actually studied for this. I studied for all actually!!! Except for like one... Can't remember which... FINGERS CROSSED. May the odds be ever in my favor.

 
Hi i feel much better. Figured that i shouldn't care so much about what others have to say about me. As long as i am being myself. As long as i am happy. As long as i'm not bothering anyone. How does my weight affect other people in any way? Unless i'm morbidly obese until i block the entire pathway or some shit but nope. I SHALL MOVE ON FROM THIS. Alex Day shall be mah inspiration. And of course my babygirl. Be yourself and you can be anything. YOU JUST GOTTA BELIEVE.

Times like this makes me wish that i have my own child. So that i can right the wrongs my parents did. I wouldn't destroy her self esteem. I wouldn't side with others. I wouldn't judge her. You're gay? OKAY! You hate wearing skirts? OKAY! You wanna tshirts all the time? SURE WHY NOT. I don't see the problem. You're a guy who likes doing ballet, a girl who likes guns? That's fine. You're interested in doing seemingly impossible tasks? Sure, give it a go :D Even if you fail, it's alright. You tried. I won't laugh at you. A blind girl can become chef. A guy without hands can play the guitar. Who's to say you can't achieve whatever goal you have? You wanna learn seemingly useless things? Archery, fencing etc? Why not! Life experiences is good. It's still a skill. Who knows, you might be super good at it and have a future in that. I'll be proud of your decisions. As long as it's not things like murder or something. You done badly in an exam? You're going into ITE? I'm sure you would do great :) When people asks, i would proudly say my child is in ITE right now. I will never bring you down. I'll hold you up high. I won't bring you into this world only to cause you so much pain. As long as you're happy, i'm happy.

I know reality and the truth sucks but i'm still human. It still hurts. I know i look like i don't give a crap about anything but i do. Just because i'm very expressive doesn't mean i have to express EVERYTHING. Just because it's not shown doesn't mean it doesn't exist. We're humans. We're humane. We forget that sometimes. I wish i can give my life to someone else who deserve it more than i do. Maybe like the movie In Time. I have way too much time that i don't deserve. Not using it wisely. Why not give it to someone who is running out of time and actually have a purpose in their life? 

No worries. I'll get over this soon enough. Jasmin never wallows in self pity for too long! The sun will always come up... I can't wait to start collecting Life Scouts badges.

rain rain

Sunday!

Went cycling at ecp with Clyde and Dusk. I cycled for like 30 minutes only tho HAHA. It was drizzling and i was damn tired! Been playing mahjong and poker the whole night til morning. So in the end i just sat at some shelter while they cycled LOL. RETARDED. BUT MY BROTHER SAY 30 MINUTES OF CYCLING IS ENOUGH! Cardio! Whatever that means! At one point i was thinking like what if somebody stole my bike. The first thing that popped up of my mind was "I can shoot him off... But i don't have a gun. No wait what the fuck am i doing" *facepalms* You know you have been playing too much video games when you start to think like that AIYOO. Cuz in Red Dead Redemption i always shoot people off their horses... Yknow...

SPEAKING OF RED DEAD REDEMPTION. I am starting to learn Spanish from the game! Not really la. At this point the characters have alot of dialogue in spanish... LIKE I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON. ME NO COMPRENDE. Adios mios!! MA MA MIA? 

Apply cold water to burned area. Literally.

Friday

HI. MY NOSE IS LIKE PEELING RIGHT NOW. Anyways. MY EXAMS ARE OVER. WEEEE. Now all i can do is cross my fingers... and praaaaaaaaaay. I didn't slept the night before the last paper lika boss!! It was in the morning... DAMN YOU SHAREEF JAFFAR OMAR. This is not how you're gonna snatch me away from Aladdin! Anyways went out with the ah chia after school. 

IKEAAAA NOMNOM. Missed the breakfast by awhile. Darn it!!! Oh well. Next time. Then this si chiali made me walk around even though i was damn tired. Kidding la. XD ONE DAY I WILL CATCH THOSE STREET PERFORMERS. ONE DAY........

Saturday

Had a lil bit of sleep and woke up in the morning to go to Moderately Wild Wet with Aidil! ZE FELLOW ASSASSIN. Very wild meh. Hai hao la. Or maybe cuz i've been there too many times hahahahaha. He had a good time laughing at me screaming in fear -.-" I DON'T GET YA'LL PEOPLE WHO AREN'T SCARED. Here i am screaming my tits off and you guys are like -.- whot. WEIRDOSS. WITCH! YOU'RE A WITCH! BURN YOU!!!! Met alot of cute children HAHA. Never meet la. We were observing them from afar like the pedos we are. One kiddo even came and sit with me when we were sun tanning. The mum was like "Your mother is here! not there!" Sorry lady. Them kiddos can't resist me.

SUNBURNT. I LIKE THE TAN THO. Makes me look like i'm healthy. Y U SO TAN? Oh i've been working out alot in the sun. Yknow. Just healthy stuff. Went to my cousin's birthday chalet afterwards. Not much there ah. Just eat eat stone stone talk talk with this idiot

 YOU SUCK K. xD  Forever emo over girls only. Tsktsk. 

 I just realize why our shoe size like the same. NOOO. It either means i have gigantic feet or he has tiny little girl feet. I shall pick the latter.

Sunday bumday

 BUGIS HAZ THE FIX IT FELIX JR ARCADE MACHINE SO COOL HOR. At first glance it's like meh. Okay la. But after playing it like touching it and stuff... I WANT ONE?! Even though it's old school games but yknow what they say! OLD IS GOLD. Jiang hai shi lao de la! If i ever become rich i shall have one of these babies at my house. Went to K suites with chiachia and mini! Very impromptu decision by ze lion.

 At one point that alcoholic wanted to order some cocktails so we went along with it lor. The other 2 of us were virgins in that department! LOL WHOT. ANYWAYS. Did i mention it was like 1 in the afternoon or something. Drinking alcohol at 1 in the afternoon. At least not to the drunken state la. But still. That alcoholic. *shakes head* Need to send her for therapy. 

The lady who kept zilian-ing while singing. HAHAH. Sorry we didn't know much chinese songs :( I'm werking on it biatch!

 My face looks so red here xD TOMATO. Chiali's face got red also from that lil bit of alcohol tsk. Noob la. :P You couldn't tell mine cuz it's already red from the burn hiakhiakhiak

 peekaboo. There's a few others unglam pictures... I shall keep it and use it for blackmail next time... Could come in handy.

Woooshhh. bye

HIHIHIHIHI byebyebyebye

THEM DIMPLES. SHO CUTE.

Just wanted to put a picture of her for no reason. I'M SO TIRED RIGHT NOW. I was so tired last night but it was warm until i can't fucking sleep jeezus weather what is wrong with you get your shit together. I would rather have raindrops falling on my head. SUN, I DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU GOT THINGS DONE. GO SLEEP ON YOUR JOB k i should be studying and stuff ARGH IM SO TIRED AND WARRRRMM KILL ME NOWWWW. This post is just... random and not needed! OH WAIT JUST FOUND A REASON FOR IT.

AIYO. Kinda annoyed that you're so worried over this kinda small stuff -.-" I'm just meeting a girl to give her hamsters. Not meeting a bunch of rapist. Dafuq is with you. I get that it's a good thing to be concern but please be concerned over stuff that actually matters okkkk. Don't know why but you just really annoy me sometimes. The way you even type bothers me sometimes. LIKE INSTEAD OF JUST SAYING "It's not working" you'll say "it's failing on me" and how you try and be all formal IT BOTHERS ME. IT DOES. And how you're so sensitive kill me please omg i'm so angsty right now

Touching the touchy

Hi it's 6:30am and i'm suppose to be studying but i am here to touch on a very very touchy subject. Religion. No offence to anyone one huh. Not trying to diss your beliefs or anything. Just... curious. Not a debate or anything! Just me and my train of thoughts. Needa get rid of them and concentrate on my studies :p

Okay so now on facebook or twitter, you confirm will have some malay friends right? And at least one of them would be posting about their religion stuff ALL THE TIME. Okay and Christians too... So... Is it okay for an Atheist to post about their "religion"? They're voicing out on what they believe in and we're just voicing out on what we believe in. Fair? No? I should just keep my thoughts to myself? Then shouldn't you guys? Isn't there some freedom of speech thing :p K wait that's for america huh. And the weird thing is we don't ever see any Buddhist talking about their religion huh :p No quotes from the script or whatever the buddha said. 

I don't understand how someone can believe so much into something... Okay maybe it's sorta like my obsession with Katy Perry. Yes? No? Your bible is equivalent to my knowledge about Katy Perry. AND SERIOUSLY NO OFFENCE BUT at least Katy Perry is a human being... Like... She's there. She exist...? And you guys dare call me crazy? But who am i to say there's no gods right huh. But even if there is, there is bound to be more than one whaaaat. Why ya'll can't just accept. If people don't believe in your god then it's a sin omg they must die wrong path wrong belief wrong faith. No. SAME THING K. YA'LL SHOULD JUST GET ALONG. 

It's not a bad thing la... Like i said i'm not dissing on any of ya'll. Just trying to understand and like rationalize with myself. Believers will think i'm dumb for not believing and non believers will think i'm dumb for doubting. XD I guess it's good that ya'll have something to believe in. Something that keeps you guys motivated? But stop crediting god for everything la... Bothers me when people work so hard so something and thank god in the end. No please. THANK YOURSELF K.God didn't give you strength!! Your own belief gave you strength. Placebo effect? I don't know. 

2013 liao.

HURRAH HOW EXCITING. I should be studying right now but instead i took pictures of myself. ENJoOOoOyYyYYyy

I IZ MODEL. HIRE ME HUR HUR. (Just showing off my tattoo WHICH LOOKS SLANTED WHEN ITS AT THIS ANGLE ITS ACTUALLY VERY CHIO KKKKKK)

 cyclops

 SEE NO EVIL SPEAK NO EVIL BUT SMELL ALL THEM EVILS 

 i'm asian i can do this just look at my slanty asian small puny eyes right

i have no idea. Oh well i know i'm a few days late but happy new year! LOL. New year, same old Jasmin! YAYYYYYY. 

CHERRY FOREVER

 this was after cheryl said "You've heard her song, i kissed a girl and i liked it."

I CAN'T. MY HEART. BRB DYING.

50 Shades of Katy

I can't take this anymore i'm literally about to cry and out of breath because i don't even know why. So long long ago, Katy Perry was on x factor and she was like obsessed with Cheryl and stuff... Then later they were on the Graham Norton show together and i have always thought that they look cute together but i didn't think much about it afterwards... Until now!!! When i discovered Cherry Fan Fiction...

This right here ladies and gentlemen. Is Cherry. Cheryl Cole and Katy freaking Perry. KILL ME NOW. I read finish all the chapters from one writer and it's all stuck in my head T.T I just keep rewatching the interview and my mind is just going bonkers. I CAN'T SEPARATE REALITY FROM FICTION. I DON'T WANT TO.

 I MEAN LOOK. SO ADORABLE. PLEASE JUST. I CAN'T SO CUTE. I'M ABOUT TO EXPLODE. Now i understand... I used to be like dafuq is with fan fictions and shipping and shit. NOW I UNDERSTAND. I REALLY DO T.T Danisnotonfire, i should have listened to you T.T I should have ran away from it. Now i'm stuck. Oh well...

I just gotta fight fight fight fight fight for this love